11. The Hot Sauce

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with artisanal hot sauce? Everyone's making their own these days. It's like having a podcast - nobody asked for it, but here we are. And they give them these ridiculous names: "Satan's Revenge," "Death's Door," "Morning Regret." Who are we trying to impress here? The bottle might as well say, "Warning: This will ruin your day, but hey, at least you looked cool ordering it."

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are sitting in their usual booth when George bursts in, looking excited.] GEORGE: I've done it! I've finally found my calling! JERRY: Is it leaving dramatic pauses after entrances? GEORGE: Hot sauce, Jerry. I'm going to be a hot sauce mogul! My own brand! "Costanza's Inferno"! ELAINE: You can barely handle pepper on your eggs. GEORGE: That's the beauty of it - I don't have to eat it, I just have to sell it! I've got a secret recipe. JERRY: Let me guess - ketchup with extra pepper? GEORGE: No, no, this is legitimate. My mother's cousin's neighbor's gardener grows these special peppers. They're so hot, they made his cat speak Spanish!

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Kramer bursts in, his face bright red, sweating profusely.] KRAMER: Water! Water! WATER! JERRY: Let me guess - you tried George's hot sauce? KRAMER: [gulping water directly from the tap] He gave me a sample! He said it was mild! My tongue is filing for divorce! JERRY: Where is he making this stuff anyway? KRAMER: [still panting] His parents' garage. The fumes are attracting fire trucks! They think the neighborhood's on fire!

SCENE 3: INT. COSTANZA HOUSE - EVENING

[Frank and Estelle are wearing gas masks. George is stirring a large pot.] FRANK: You're pickling our garage in pepper spray! The neighbors think we're running a chemical weapons program! ESTELLE: My petunias are wilting! WILTING, George! GEORGE: You don't understand! I'm on the verge of something big! A local restaurant already ordered fifty bottles! FRANK: Was it a restaurant or the Pentagon?

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S CAFE - NEXT DAY

[The gang is at their usual booth. George looks dejected.] GEORGE: The health department shut me down. Apparently, you need "permits" and "safety protocols" to manufacture biological weapons. ELAINE: It was hot sauce, George. GEORGE: Tell that to the hazmat team! They confiscated my peppers and quarantined my parents' garage! KRAMER: [entering, now wearing a firefighter's uniform] Hey buddy, I joined the fire department because of you! They're always at your house anyway, figured I might as well get paid for it!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
You know you've made a bad batch of hot sauce when the CDC gets involved. I mean, most people worry about their food being too spicy - George's food worried about *people* being too spicy. His sauce was so hot, it got its own episode on "Unsolved Mysteries." And that's why they say if you can't stand the heat... don't let George anywhere near your kitchen.