13. The Cotton Ball Conspiracy
OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:What is the deal with travel-sized toiletries? I mean, who are these Lilliputians they're making shampoo for? You get in the shower, you use the entire bottle, and your hair is still drier than a George Costanza apology. You'd think they'd at least make travel-sized conditioner. But no, apparently tiny people only shampoo. They just walk around with static cling so powerful they can open doors from across the room.
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are at a booth]
JERRY: So I'm at this hotel, right? And they have these little sewing kits. Thread, needles, the whole nine yards. But miniature.
ELAINE: So?
JERRY: So, what am I, a field mouse tailor? I get a hole in my pants, I'm supposed to whip out my tiny needle and thread and fix it? I'd need a magnifying glass and tweezers!
ELAINE: You'd think they'd have bigger emergencies at hotels. Like, I don't know, fires.
JERRY: Exactly! Give me a travel-sized fire extinguisher, not a thimble full of thread.
[Kramer slides into the booth, excited]
KRAMER: Jerry, my new apartment is fantastic! It's got everything!
JERRY: Like what? A travel-sized sewing kit?
KRAMER: Better than that! It came with a whole year's supply of cotton balls!
[Elaine rolls her eyes]
ELAINE: What are you going to do with all those cotton balls? Stuff a mattress?
KRAMER: They're not for stuffing, Elaine! They're for…well, they're for having! It's like a cotton ball kingdom!
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[George bursts in, frantic]
GEORGE: Jerry, I need cotton balls! My ears are ringing! I think it's from the low-fat yogurt. It was too quiet.
JERRY: What are you talking about?
GEORGE: The yogurt. It was low-fat. No noise. The silence attacked my ears! I need cotton balls to muffle the ringing!
JERRY: George, you're insane.
GEORGE: Just give me some cotton balls!
[Jerry reluctantly grabs a small bag]
JERRY: Here. But this is it. These are precious commodities.
[George grabs the bag and starts stuffing cotton balls in his ears. Kramer enters, sees this, and yells]
KRAMER: What are you doing?! Those are for display! Not for ear-stuffing!
SCENE 3: INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Elaine is visiting Kramer. His apartment is filled with clear jars, each containing cotton balls]
ELAINE: Kramer, this is ridiculous. It looks like a science experiment gone wrong.
KRAMER: This is my collection, Elaine! It's my legacy! Each jar represents a different stage of cotton ball purity.
[Elaine picks up a jar]
ELAINE: "Pre-Fluffed"?
KRAMER: The rarest of them all! Untouched by human hands!
[George enters, his ears still plugged with cotton]
GEORGE: Jerry sent me. He said you had more of the…the white noise cancellers.
[Kramer shrieks and lunges at George]
KRAMER: Get away from my pristine cotton balls!
SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are back at the booth]
JERRY: So Kramer's now convinced that someone's trying to steal his cotton ball empire. He's put locks on all the jars.
ELAINE: I told him he should donate them to a hospital or something.
JERRY: He said hospitals use too much sterile equipment. It ruins the natural fluffiness.
[George enters, cotton-ball free]
GEORGE: My ears stopped ringing! Turns out it wasn't the yogurt. It was my phone. It was off silent.
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:So what's the deal with cotton balls? They're like the snow of the bathroom. They appear out of nowhere, multiply rapidly, and then vanish without a trace. And you're never quite sure what to do with them. Build a tiny snowman? Have a snowball fight with a field mouse tailor? I don't know. All I know is, I'm never buying travel-sized sewing kit.