14. The Smart Home

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with smart homes? Everything's got to be "smart" now. Smart lights, smart fridges, smart toilets. Whatever happened to dumb homes? I was happy with dumb! Dumb worked! Now my coffee maker wants to have a conversation with me at 7 AM. I don't want to talk to my coffee maker at 7 AM. I barely want to talk to myself at 7 AM!

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are at their usual booth] JERRY: My apartment's gone crazy. The smart thermostat keeps setting itself to 85 degrees. I feel like I'm living in a sauna! ELAINE: Just turn it off! JERRY: I tried! It locked me out. Says I'm "not authorized to make temperature adjustments." [George enters, looking disheveled and tired] GEORGE: My smart alarm clock is trying to kill me. It went off at 3 AM playing heavy metal! THREE AM! JERRY: Why'd you buy a smart alarm clock? GEORGE: Steinbrenner! He's making everyone use them. Says they'll "optimize our circadian rhythms." [Kramer slides in, looking excited] KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta see this! I got a smart fridge! It tells me when I'm running low on food! JERRY: Don't you just... look inside the fridge? KRAMER: No, no, this is different. It orders groceries automatically! I haven't opened it in days!

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is arguing with his smart speaker] JERRY: Play jazz! SMART SPEAKER: Playing "Who Let The Dogs Out" JERRY: No, JAZZ! SMART SPEAKER: I don't understand. Would you like to hear more Baha Men? [Kramer bursts in, panicked] KRAMER: Jerry! My fridge ordered 300 cans of spam! It says I eat too much meat! JERRY: How does it know what you eat? KRAMER: It's been watching me through its smart camera! JERRY: Your fridge has a camera? KRAMER: Had to disable it. It kept judging my midnight snacks!

SCENE 3: INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE - DAY

[George is at his desk, surrounded by smart devices] GEORGE: [On phone with Jerry] Steinbrenner's gone crazy! Now he's installed smart chairs that monitor our posture. Mine keeps deflating whenever I slouch! [His chair suddenly deflates] GEORGE: See? It just did it again! And the smart coffee machine only gives me decaf after 2 PM! [Steinbrenner bursts in] STEINBRENNER: George! Your smart pen says you haven't written anything in three hours! What's going on? GEORGE: My pen is spying on me?!

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Everyone is gathered in Jerry's apartment, which is pitch dark] ELAINE: Why are we sitting in the dark? JERRY: My smart lights formed a union. They're on strike. GEORGE: At least it's cool in here. JERRY: Yeah, the thermostat felt bad for me and fixed itself. [Kramer enters with armfuls of spam] KRAMER: Anyone hungry? My fridge says I need to eat more protein! SMART SPEAKER: Playing "Who Let The Dogs Out"

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
You know what's really smart? Being dumb. Dumb doesn't judge your snacking habits. Dumb doesn't play Baha Men at 3 AM. Dumb doesn't form unions or go on strike. Maybe we don't need smart homes. Maybe what we really need is a home that's just smart enough to know when to be dumb.