JERRY: You know, you get a spare key made, it's like you're saying, 'I trust you implicitly with my entire life, but I also assume you're going to lose this key within a week.'
SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry is polishing his cereal bowls]JERRY: What's the deal with spare keys? You never need them until you REALLY need them, and then you can never find the person who has it.
Kramer enters, holding a mangled key.KRAMER: Jerry, my key! It's…deformed!
JERRY: What happened to it?
KRAMER: I was trying to open a can of sardines. Newman wouldn't give me his key to the mailroom, said I'd lose it. So I improvised!
JERRY: You used your apartment key to open a can of sardines? You're lucky you didn’t get mercury poisoning.
KRAMER: No, no, these were imported, gourmet sardines. Packed in…olive oil.
SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY
[Elaine and George are at a booth. George is frantically searching his pockets.]GEORGE: I can't find my keys! I had them right here!
ELAINE: You’re always losing your keys. It's pathetic.
GEORGE: I am not 'always' losing my keys! This is a rare occurrence. A highly unusual circumstance!
ELAINE: Right. Just like last week, and the week before, and…
GEORGE: Those were different keys! Those were…misplaced. These are lost. There's a distinction.
ELAINE: Did you check your…other pants?
GEORGE: My other pants? I'm not wearing my other pants! I'm wearing these pants! The pants with the missing keys!
SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry, Elaine, and George are at Jerry's apartment. George is pacing.]GEORGE: Jerry, you have my spare, right? The one I gave you for emergencies?
JERRY: Of course, it’s right here…
Jerry checks his key bowl, then his pockets.JERRY: Huh. That's odd. I don’t see it.
GEORGE: You don't see it?! This is an emergency!
ELAINE: I told you he’d lose it.
JERRY: I didn’t lose it! I put it…somewhere safe.
GEORGE: Safe?! My apartment is vulnerable! My Mr. Marbles collection is unguarded!
SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry, Elaine, and George are still searching. Kramer enters, holding a sardine can opener.]KRAMER: Jerry, look what I found! The perfect key for sardines!
JERRY: Kramer! That’s my spare key!
KRAMER: It is? Well, it works wonders on those little fishies. You should try it sometime!
GEORGE: My apartment! My Marbles! You used my spare key to open sardines?!
ELAINE: I knew it.
JERRY: I thought it looked familiar. I was wondering where I put my sardine key.
GEORGE: Sardine key?! There's no such thing as a sardine key!
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY: So what's the protocol for a lost spare key? Do you replace it immediately? Or do you wait until the original key is lost, creating a double emergency? It's a vicious cycle.