23. The Diagonal Door

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with apartment buzzers? You press the button, you hear that buzz, and you're supposed to just magically know who it is. It's like a tiny electronic riddle. Is it the delivery guy? A neighbor borrowing sugar? Or is it Kramer, about to unleash some new scheme that involves my apartment and probably a cantaloupe?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is folding laundry on the coffee table.]
[Elaine enters.]
ELAINE: Jerry, have you seen this new building going up on 86th? JERRY: No, why? ELAINE: The front door...it's on a diagonal! JERRY: A diagonal door? What, is it a funhouse? ELAINE: It's a regular apartment building, but the door...it's like tilted. It's unsettling. JERRY: So you don't go in? ELAINE: I tried! I walked up to it, felt dizzy, and just left.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, George, and Kramer are sitting in a booth.]
GEORGE: A diagonal door? That's nothing. My building has a doorknob that's loose. It spins and spins, you never know if it's actually locked. JERRY: So you get a new doorknob. GEORGE: I complained to the super, he said it's 'character'. KRAMER: Diagonal doors, loose doorknobs...these are signs! The world is out of balance. JERRY: You're out of balance, Kramer. KRAMER: I've been working on a new invention, Jerry - self-closing drawers. No more slamming! It's all about alignment.

SCENE 3: INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Elaine is pacing, frustrated. Kramer is examining her doorframe with a level.]
ELAINE: I can't live like this, Kramer! I keep picturing that tilted door, it's driving me crazy. KRAMER: Perfectly plumb, Elaine. Your doorframe is fine. It's the rest of the world that's crooked. ELAINE: I went back to the building today, Kramer. There's a sign out front now, 'Luxury Diagonal Living'. They're embracing the tilt! KRAMER: Revolutionary! They're ahead of their time, Elaine. ELAINE: Ahead of their time? I felt like I was on a boat!

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Jerry and George are watching TV.]
JERRY: Did you hear about Elaine and the diagonal door? GEORGE: Yeah, what's the big deal? It's a door. At least it opens. JERRY: It's not right, George. Doors should be vertical. It's a law of nature. GEORGE: You know what else isn't right? That my doorknob still spins! I called the super again, he said 'it adds character'. [Kramer enters, carrying a small, tilted birdhouse.]
KRAMER: Jerry, check this out! Diagonal birdhouse! Perfect for the modern avian.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, diagonal doors...what's next, diagonal floors? Diagonal ceilings? We'll all be living in tilted boxes, walking sideways, bumping into each other. It'll be like a permanent carnival funhouse. And Kramer will be the ringmaster.