24. The Misinterpreted Compliment

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with wishing people 'bon voyage'? It's like you're saying, 'Enjoy your trip, hopefully nothing bad happens, but if it does, well, that's your problem.' I prefer 'See ya later.' Much less pressure.

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
JERRY: So, I saw this guy on the street today wearing a t-shirt that said 'I'm with Stupid.' ELAINE: And? JERRY: He was alone. GEORGE: Maybe 'Stupid' was running late. ELAINE: Or maybe he just likes ironic t-shirts. You know, like the ones that say 'Sarcastic Comment Loading...' JERRY: Maybe he was trying to make a statement about society. GEORGE: A statement about his own intelligence, more likely. [Kramer slides into the booth.]
KRAMER: Anyone seen my rubber chicken?

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is watching TV. Kramer enters, holding a small potted plant.]
KRAMER: Jerry, this plant is dying! JERRY: So water it. KRAMER: I did! Twice! It needs more than water, Jerry. It needs… compliments. JERRY: Compliments? You're talking to a plant? KRAMER: You gotta nurture it, Jerry. Tell it how beautiful its leaves are, how strong its stem is… JERRY: You're insane. KRAMER: Just try it! Tell it it's the best darn plant you've ever seen!

SCENE 3: INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Elaine is at her desk. Her boss, Mr. Lippman, enters.]
MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine, that's a lovely dress. ELAINE: Thank you, Mr. Lippman. MR. LIPPMAN: It really brings out the color in your… stapler. ELAINE: My stapler? MR. LIPPMAN: Yes, it's a very vibrant red. Just like your dress. [Elaine forces a smile.]

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer are sitting in a booth.]
ELAINE: He complimented my stapler! My stapler! JERRY: Maybe he was trying to be… original? GEORGE: Maybe he has a stapler fetish. KRAMER: You know, I've been complimenting my plants, and they're thriving! See? [Kramer pulls out a wilted, brown plant.]
JERRY: That looks… dead. KRAMER: It's just resting.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I went to a botanist today, you know, a plant doctor. I asked him, 'Can plants hear compliments?' He said, 'I don't know. Can you hear me?'