27. The Rocking Chair

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with security guards? They just stand there, all day. Like statues. You ever try to make eye contact? It's like challenging a mountain to a staring contest. You know what would be great? Rocking chairs. Security guards in rocking chairs. Subtle surveillance. Like a pendulum of justice, slowly swinging back and forth...

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Jerry and George are sitting in a booth.]
JERRY: So I saw this security guard the other day, just standing there. Like a potted plant with a badge. GEORGE: Standing? They make them *stand*? Eight hours? That's torture! JERRY: What do you want, a hammock? GEORGE: A rocking chair! That's the answer. Comfortable, yet alert. He can see everything, gently swaying back and forth... JERRY: He'd fall asleep! GEORGE: Not if he's got something to *do*. Rocking keeps you awake, stimulates the mind. Like a cradle for crime prevention!

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, Elaine enters.]
JERRY: (Into phone) No, a *rocking* chair. For the security guard. It's George's new crusade. (To Elaine) George is getting a security guard a rocking chair. ELAINE: A rocking chair? Why? JERRY: He thinks it's inhumane to make them stand. ELAINE: That's what they're *paid* for! What's next, slippers and a hot cocoa? [Kramer enters, wearing a security guard uniform.]
KRAMER: Hey Jerry, what do you think? Got myself a job! JERRY: A security guard? You? KRAMER: Yeah! Best part is, I get to sit all day. They got this great new rocking chair...

SCENE 3: INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

[George is presenting a rocking chair to a bewildered security guard.]
GEORGE: There you go! Ergonomic, comfortable, and perfect for crime prevention! GUARD: I...I don't understand. GEORGE: It's a rocking chair! You sit, you rock, you protect. It's a win-win-win! GUARD: But...I'm supposed to stand. GEORGE: Nonsense! Standing is for suckers! Rocking is the future of security! [Kramer rocks past in his uniform, humming.]

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer are watching TV. George paces nervously.]
JERRY: So the rocking chair was a bust, huh? GEORGE: He got fired! Said he was 'rocking too vigorously' and disturbing the customers! ELAINE: I told you it was a bad idea! KRAMER: They fired me too! Said the uniform wasn't 'regulation' and the rocking chair was a 'fire hazard'. JERRY: Well, at least you tried. Or rather, you *rocked*. Too vigorously.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So what's the deal with rocking chairs? Are they chairs? Are they cradles? Are they exercise equipment? I think they're a metaphor for life. You rock back and forth, back and forth, never really getting anywhere. Kind of like this bit...