28. The Snub

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with ignoring people? Is it a power move? A social experiment? Or are you just hoping they'll magically disappear? I tried ignoring a telemarketer once. They just kept talking. It was like they didn't even realize I wasn't there. Maybe they were ignoring me.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, pacing.]
JERRY: No, no, I told you, NO onions! What's so hard to understand? It's a simple instruction: no onions. How can you mess that up? [Kramer slides in, wearing an elaborate fake mustache.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my man, you wouldn't believe who I just snubbed. JERRY: Hold on... Look, I'll call you back. [Jerry hangs up the phone.]
JERRY: Snubbed who? KRAMER: Newman. Right there in the lobby. Didn't even make eye contact. Like he was invisible. It was magnificent! JERRY: Why would you snub Newman? He probably deserved it. KRAMER: He was whistling. Loudly. And off-key. It was an assault on the ears, Jerry. I had to take action.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are at a booth.]
ELAINE: So my boss, Mr. Lippman, keeps snubbing me. He walks right past my desk, doesn't even acknowledge my existence. GEORGE: Maybe he’s trying to fire you subtly. JERRY: Or maybe he's just bad at recognizing people. I mean, does he wear glasses? ELAINE: Yes! How did you know? JERRY: I'm observant. It's what I do. ELAINE: Well, he needs new ones. He probably thinks I'm the coat rack. GEORGE: You know, snubbing can be very effective. I once snubbed a guy who owed me money. He paid me back the next day. JERRY: Really? How much did he owe you? GEORGE: Five dollars. And he gave me a ten! The power of the snub!

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is reading. Kramer enters, still wearing the mustache.]
KRAMER: Jerry, it backfired! Newman retaliated! He just gave me the ultimate snub. JERRY: What did he do? KRAMER: He held the door open for me! Can you believe the nerve? He's trying to make me look weak, Jerry! JERRY: That's his revenge? Holding the door? KRAMER: It’s a passive-aggressive power play! He's trying to assert his dominance! I can't let him win, Jerry!

SCENE 4: INT. MR. LIPPMAN'S OFFICE - DAY

[Elaine is sitting at her desk. Mr. Lippman approaches.]
MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine, can you come in here for a second? ELAINE: Of course, Mr. Lippman. [Elaine follows him into his office.]
MR. LIPPMAN: I’ve noticed you’ve been dressing...differently lately. ELAINE: Differently? How so? MR. LIPPMAN: Well, you’ve been wearing a lot of...bright colors. And that hat... ELAINE: It's called fashion, Mr. Lippman. MR. LIPPMAN: Yes, well, it's rather...distracting. I need you to tone it down. I can barely see your face.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I saw Newman today. He was wearing a fake mustache. A really bad one. I pretended not to recognize him. He seemed relieved.