29. The Two-Liner

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with answering machines? I mean, am I the only one who feels like I'm talking to a wall? It's like, 'Leave a message after the beep.' Beep. Okay, wall, here's my message. I called. You weren't there. Bye, wall.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, pacing.]
[Elaine enters, carrying a small shopping bag.]
JERRY: No, Mom, it's a two-line phone. Two lines! So I can talk to two people at once! Theoretically. ELAINE: Two people at once? Who talks to two people at once? What are you, a switchboard operator? JERRY: It's for... efficiency. I can be efficient now. It's a new me. ELAINE: Right, because 'efficient Jerry' is something the world has been clamoring for. JERRY: So, what's in the bag? ELAINE: Oh, just the world's greatest egg slicer. You put the egg in, and bam! Perfect slices every time.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
GEORGE: An egg slicer? What's wrong with just... chopping it up with a fork? ELAINE: It's about presentation, George! It's about elegance. You wouldn't understand. JERRY: Speaking of presentation, I tried using the two-liner last night. Disaster. GEORGE: What happened? JERRY: I had my mom on one line, and Kramer on the other. They started talking to each other. Through me. About me.

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Jerry is demonstrating the egg slicer to Kramer.]
KRAMER: So, you just put it in here? Like this? JERRY: Yes, Kramer. Gently. Don't force it. [Kramer slams the egg slicer down, crushing the egg.]
JERRY: I said gently! KRAMER: It needed a little encouragement!

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are eating.]
JERRY: He destroyed it. The world's greatest egg slicer, gone. Just yolk and mangled metal. ELAINE: I told you, he wouldn't appreciate it. GEORGE: You know, my mother bought me an egg cooker once. It made the eggs rubbery. Like little bouncy balls. JERRY: See? That's what's wrong with kitchen gadgets. They promise you convenience, but they deliver… rubbery eggs. ELAINE: It's not the gadget, George, it's the user.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, two lines. Two problems. I guess it’s true what they say, you can have too much of a good thing. Unless that good thing is… a perfectly sliced egg.