32. The Wheelchair

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with return policies? You buy something, you don't like it, you should be able to return it, right? But then they hit you with the restocking fee. What are they restocking? Back onto the shelves? I saw a guy try to return a half-eaten sandwich. 'Restocking fee!' What, are you gonna put it back in the display case? 'Slightly used pastrami on rye, only $2.99!'

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
JERRY: So my uncle is getting remarried. ELAINE: Again? JERRY: Yeah, third time's the charm, right? GEORGE: What are you getting him? JERRY: I don't know. What do you get someone who's already been divorced twice? ELAINE: A prenup? JERRY: Maybe a gift certificate to a divorce lawyer.

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone. Kramer enters, pushing a brand new wheelchair.]
JERRY: Yeah, I'll be there... No, I haven't bought a gift yet... Okay, bye. KRAMER: Jerry, check this out! JERRY: Where did you get a wheelchair? KRAMER: Newman's selling them. Apparently the post office got a surplus. JERRY: And you think my uncle wants a wheelchair for a wedding present? KRAMER: It's a top-of-the-line model! Joystick control, reclining back... It's even got a cup holder!

SCENE 3: INT. WEDDING RECEPTION HALL - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are at the wedding reception. Kramer wheels in, sitting in the wheelchair.]
ELAINE: There's your uncle. JERRY: Where's Kramer? [Kramer wheels up to them.]
KRAMER: Hey Jerry! Perfect timing for the Electric Slide! JERRY: You're in the wheelchair? KRAMER: Gotta break it in somehow!

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry and George are watching TV.]
JERRY: So, my uncle loved the wheelchair. GEORGE: He did? JERRY: Yeah, he said it was the best gift he's ever gotten. GEORGE: Better than a divorce lawyer? JERRY: Apparently so. He said it'll help him get around on the honeymoon.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So what's the deal with wedding cake? It's just a big, dry sponge. And why do they stack it so high? Like it's some kind of architectural achievement. I saw a cake the other day, it was seven tiers high! I thought, 'What, are they expecting King Kong to show up?'