36. The Fake Number

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with fake phone numbers? You know you're never going to call them, they're never going to call you. It's like a little white lie we tell ourselves to avoid awkwardness. But what if the person you give it to... actually likes awkwardness? Then you've robbed them of their joy!

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
JERRY: So I met this girl, very attractive, but she works at a perfume counter. The whole date smelled like a department store gift set. ELAINE: Oh, I hate that. It's like dating a scented candle. GEORGE: You should have told her. Honesty is the best policy. JERRY: Easy for you to say, George, you haven't been on a date in months. GEORGE: That's because I'm waiting for the right woman. Someone who appreciates my unique qualities. ELAINE: Like your uncanny ability to repel women?

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, Kramer enters.]
JERRY: No, no, I'm telling you, the whole restaurant smelled like sandalwood and vanilla. It was nauseating... Hold on a sec. KRAMER: Jerry, my phone's dead. Can I borrow yours? JERRY: I'm kind of in the middle of a conversation. KRAMER: It's an emergency! I need to call Newman about the rickshaw race. JERRY: Rickshaw race? KRAMER: Yeah, it's a big event. Winner gets a lifetime supply of egg rolls.

SCENE 3: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are at the booth again. George is wearing a neck brace.]
ELAINE: What happened to your neck? GEORGE: Rickshaw accident. Don't ask. JERRY: I told Kramer not to use my phone! ELAINE: Wait, you were in a rickshaw race? GEORGE: I was a spectator! Until the rickshaw lost control and crashed into me. Now I have whiplash and smell like egg rolls.

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are there. Kramer enters wearing a neck brace and smelling strongly of perfume.]
JERRY: Kramer! What happened to you? KRAMER: Newman and I collided during the race. He was wearing too much cologne. ELAINE: You smell like my perfume counter date! KRAMER: That's funny, I smell like victory! I won the egg rolls. JERRY: But you're wearing a neck brace! KRAMER: Worth it.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So apparently, the key to winning a rickshaw race is a potent cologne. Who knew? It's like a weapon of mass olfactory destruction. Though, I think I prefer the smell of defeat to smelling like a walking department store.