40. The Hand Model

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with oven mitts? I mean, are they gloves? Are they mittens? They're like a hybrid. You know, like a turducken of handwear. You've got the dexterity of a glove, but the warmth of a mitten. But then, you can't really pick anything up. So what's the point?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, pacing.]
[Elaine enters.]
JERRY: No, Mom, I told you, I don't know how to make a brisket. Why would I know how to make a brisket? ELAINE: Brisket problems? JERRY: She wants me to bring a brisket to her mahjong game. Like I'm suddenly a butcher. ELAINE: Just get one from the deli. JERRY: She'll know. She has brisket radar.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting at a booth.]
GEORGE: My parents are driving me crazy. They're critiquing my hands. JERRY: Your hands? GEORGE: Yes! My father says my thumbs are too stubby. My mother says my knuckles are too big. ELAINE: They're not wrong. GEORGE: See! Even you agree! They're making me self-conscious.

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is watching TV. Kramer enters, wearing oven mitts.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my hands! They're national treasures! JERRY: What are you talking about? KRAMER: I was just at Bob Sacamano's. He's got a new hand cream. Makes your hands like velvet. JERRY: Why are you wearing oven mitts? KRAMER: Protecting my investment! I'm going to be a hand model.

SCENE 4: INT. COSTANZA HOUSE - DAY

[George is showing his parents his hands.]
GEORGE: See? My hands are perfectly normal! ESTELLE: They're still stubby. FRANK: Like sausages. GEORGE: Sausages?! KRAMER: (entering) George, they called! They want you for the hand modeling gig!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, my mother wants me to bring a brisket. A brisket! I don't even know what a brisket is. Is it a bird? Is it a cow? Is it part of a cow? Maybe it's like a fish. A brisket fish.