5. The Remote

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, what’s the deal with remotes? You lose them, you find them, they’re down the side of the couch... it’s an archaeological dig every time you want to change the channel. You’d think in this day and age we’d have evolved past needing these plastic rectangles. Maybe we have chips implanted in our brains, you just think “Channel 7” and bam! But then again, knowing my luck, I’d probably be stuck on C-SPAN 2.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is watching TV. Kramer enters, holding a complicated-looking universal remote.] KRAMER: Jerry, check this out! The ultimate clicker! Controls everything! TV, VCR, the neighbor’s garage door... JERRY: The neighbor's garage door? Why would you need that on a remote? KRAMER: You never know when you need to make a quick escape! Plus, it has a built-in laser pointer, for presentations! [Points it at Jerry's TV] Behold! [Kramer accidentally changes the channel to a soap opera. Jerry grimaces] JERRY: Kramer, that’s my show! KRAMER: Relax, Jerry, I’ll just... [Fiddles with the remote. The TV turns off, then the lights flicker] JERRY: What are you doing?! KRAMER: I don't know! This thing has more buttons than a NASA control panel!

SCENE 2: EXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, George, and Elaine are eating lunch.] JERRY: So Kramer’s got this remote that could probably launch a satellite. He nearly blew a fuse in my apartment! GEORGE: [Shakes his head] You know, I never understood the need for all those buttons. All I need is on/off, volume, and channel. Maybe a mute button for when Estelle starts yelling. ELAINE: You’re telling me. My remote only has like, four buttons that actually work. The rest are just worn-down nubs. It’s like a remote graveyard. JERRY: You know what’s really annoying? When the batteries start to die and you have to press the buttons harder and harder. It’s like you’re giving the remote CPR. GEORGE: Or when you’re flipping through channels and you accidentally land on something incredibly disturbing. You know, like a nature documentary where a gazelle gets eaten alive. And you’re stuck there for a second, horrified, before you can even find the remote again.

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Kramer is frantically searching under the couch cushions. Jerry is reading.] KRAMER: Jerry, have you seen my remote? The ultimate clicker! I can’t find it anywhere! JERRY: [Without looking up] Maybe it’s down the side of the couch. Where all remotes go to die. KRAMER: I’ve checked! It’s gone! Vanished! I had it programmed to control everything! My life is in chaos! [Elaine enters, holding a small, simple remote] ELAINE: Hey Jerry, have you seen... [Notices Kramer] What’s with him? JERRY: He lost his super-remote. The one that can apparently control the tides. ELAINE: Oh, is this it? [Holds up the remote] I found it in my purse. I think I accidentally picked it up when I was over here yesterday. KRAMER: [Snatches the remote] My precious! You saved me, Elaine! You're a hero! [Kramer aims the remote at Jerry's TV and presses a button. Nothing happens.] KRAMER: What the... Oh, right. Batteries. [To Elaine] Do you have any double A's?

SCENE 4: EXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, George, and Elaine are back at Monk’s.] JERRY: So Kramer gets his remote back, and of course the batteries are dead. He was stranded in the technological dark ages. Forced to... *gasp*... get up and change the channel manually. ELAINE: The horror. GEORGE: You know, I was thinking about getting a new remote. One of those fancy ones with the backlit buttons. For nighttime viewing, you know? JERRY: Backlit buttons? What are you, a surgeon? You need precision lighting to change the channel? GEORGE: It’s a quality of life issue, Jerry!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I was thinking, maybe the real problem isn't the remote itself. Maybe it’s us. We’re so reliant on these little devices, we can’t even function without them. We’ve become slaves to the clicker. Maybe we should all just go back to... (Shudders) ...dials. No, no, that’s too far. I’d rather be stuck on C-SPAN 2.